Adventures of a best man.
Between August 2014 and last month, I had the privilege to witness two
magnificent events, two of my best buddies got married and I was lucky enough
to be able to attend both of them as a best man.
It was an absolute honour.
Wedding one
This was my first experience witnessing a proper church wedding and, also acting
as a best man. I don’t know who was more nervous- the groom or me.
I knew that my primary and possibly the only task was to deliver a nice,
funny speech. So, I started researching. It was one of the toughest assignments
in my life.
After several manuscripts, the final draft was born. I was still a bit
sceptical because I was that person who never heard any best man’s speeches in
his life.
When I read the final draft, my inner critic kicked in which forced me to
edit the original speech heavily.
After a few more attempts, the final speech was born.
Then there were further edits. As I progressed, my inner critic gave up and
my confidence level rose significantly.
But I was aware that I shouldn’t cross the line. There is fun and there is
insult. So I delivered the heavily edited version at the venue and I think it
went well.
But I really wanted to produce the unedited version.
After a few thoughtful years, I decided to go ahead and this is the outcome.
Items in bold are the ones I censored. Also, the names and
locations have been modified to protest the identity of the "victims"
The first speech:
If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive,
you’re either me (because I am) or you just married The Groom.
Just a quick note before I start, I don’t know (Groom). He responded
to my advert on Gumtree. So, ladies and gentlemen, like the groom, if you don’t
have anyone who wants to be your best man, please meet me at the bar. My rates
are negotiable. And I put this advert here because the groom wanted the cheaper
option. The premium version does not contain any advertisements.
So I was saying,
I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly
magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right,
I could hardly follow a word of it. If you want a hard copy of his
speech, please look under your chairs. (pause) … I know, there isn’t any as
the groom had nothing to say.
Moving on, I can only say in my defence that the groom
and I share a common sense of humour so if this speech is in any way unfunny,
please feel free to blame the groom.
Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness another rare event in
history. This is the very first and very last time that my wife is going
to let me speak on behalf of both of us. And I surely am going to make
the most of it. Are there any lawyers, doctors or funeral directors here today?
For the first two, please meet me after this speech and for the third one, my
wife is at table seventeen.
Well, groom, I hope you made the most of your speech… now
you’re a married man that’ll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes
without being interrupted
I must admit that I was very nervous about making this speech. In
fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat
with pieces of paper in my hand.
The best man’s speech is normally about making fun of the groom’s expenses.
Today, I’d like to break the tradition by paying him a compliment I think
you’ll all agree groom is also looking pretty good. I am sure
you all think that he’s .. he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char…
Charm…. Sorry…groom …. I’m having trouble reading your
handwriting, you should have typed it. Could you finish this for me,
please?
I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available.
So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front
should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out
I asked the groom before I started writing if there was
anything I couldn’t say, and he said no. So the bride, It is
all the groom’s fault.
I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that the bride looks
radiant today—every bit the beautiful bride. As for the groom...
Well, my mother always told me that if you don’t have anything nice to say,
don’t say anything at all.
Normally, I can say I’ve known the groom longer than
anybody, but it doesn’t really work when half the people in the room are his
family, does it?
I met the groom when we were both working at the workplace.
He used to work in a different department and was a very chatty person who
could make friends with virtually anybody, as long as you didn’t mind putting
in all the effort of meeting him and talking to him. With the groom around,
I became only the second least popular colleague in the workplace.
The Groom left the workplace for his XX job
but we lived as a neighbour for approximately 3 years after I moved to London.
One morning groom rang up and said, I am thinking of
getting married. I said ok. And he said you know what my next question be?
I said I was really flattered but I am already married.
I am honoured to be here tonight to sing the groom’s praises. And
the best thing about being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to
prove it.
Rather than the usual embarrassing stories, I think I would
rather offer him some advice.
Groom, enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time
you’ll ever be the centre of attention.
You will be given loads of advice from the married men here today,
so let me throw in my two pennies’ worth that should put you in good standing;
Always remember that it’s vitally important to get along with your Mother in
Law. I didn’t speak to mine for the first two years of my marriage. It wasn’t
that I didn’t like her – I was just too polite to interrupt.
Speaking of the bride, I would like to say how beautiful
she looks today in that fantastic dress …groom likes it too,
as he told me in the church it will blend in just nicely well with the rest of
his kitchen.
They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is
and then spends her life trying to change him. So let’s all raise our glasses
and take a last look at the Groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
I’ve known the groom for what seems forever, and I’ve had
the pleasure of knowing the bride for a few years too, and I can’t think of any
other couple that is as perfect for each other as you two. You’re both
wonderful people, and I count it as a blessing to call you both my friend.
I’d like to wish very happy marriage and a memorable honeymoon. If
anyone wants to know the proper definition of a honeymoon, it’s that brief but
cherished period between ‘I do’ and ‘You’d better
So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding
someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned
enough to last forever.
And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to raise your glasses in a
toast to the groom and bride, the newlyweds.
We wish you well in the future.
Wedding Two:
The second wedding was a regular one. By regular I mean non-religious one. My
confident level was very high this time I didn’t even take the speech with me.
I had some key points in a piece of paper, that’s it.
And once again, here is the uncensored version Like the previous one, the
items in bold were removed from the original speech.
Speech two
Ladies and gentleman
It’s an absolute pleasure and privilege to be here today and I am sure the groom’s
feeling the same.
For those of you who know me- I am sorry and those who don’t know me and are
wondering who the hell is this, don’t worry – I am thinking the
same. My name is MY NAME and
I have had the privilege to be here and deliver this speech today. I am not a
great public speaker, so I will try to keep this short and sweet.
About me and the groom, I met the groom while he
was working as a delivery driver at Ann Summers, he had to quit because his
customers failed to see the differences between his name and the goods he was
delivering. Please don’t ask what was I doing at that time.
But before I start, a little bit about my background- there is a massive
window and a pervert is looking at my backside.
On behalf of myself and the rest of the wedding party, I would like to thank
the groom and bride for inviting us to be a
part of their special day. I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that the ceremony
today was touching and beautiful.
But it wasn’t all happy moments. The bride looked stunning
today, and, I’m sure all the guys will agree that it’s always a little bit sad
to see another beautiful woman being taken off the market. And ladies, the groom’s
no longer eligible either. Funny thing… None of the girls seems to
be too broken up about it at all.
I texted Groom the other day to ask if there’s anything I
can or can’t say.
He gave me a list of this I can and must say, the list is so long
that I am still receiving it, I actually fell asleep after reading the first
ten pages, I think it contains things like how magnificent he is and how lucky the
bride is to have him. I, however also managed to acquire the things I
am not supposed to mention here,
So, To his disappointment and everyone’s excitement, Here is the list of the
things I am not supposed to mention.
Semi-skimmed milk
Balsamic vinegar
Free-range eggs
Frozen vegetables. (Pause)
Oh hang on, this could be my shopping list. No wonder the shop
assistant was giving me strange looks while I was reading the list to him.
Must have picked this one instead of the other list.
I can see the relief in the groom’s eyes. He definitely has
more than one stroke of luck today.
Talking about luck, I consider myself a very lucky man today.
I have been talking for almost 3 minutes and my wife hasn’t interrupted me
once.
Going back to the groom, who was born on my birthday, and I
have known him for over ten years now, although I didn’t know his name was the full
name until I received the wedding invitation. At first, I was
almost relieved to understand that the bride finally opened her eyes and
decided to marry who met her expectations.
About the bride, I have known her since the day they got
together
I still remember the day the bride and groom met
for the first time
. We were in a pub and the bride was there with her friends, and I heard the
bride pointing to the groom and I am sure she
said “Look at that prick.
I thought she already knew him. So I told the groom that a
girl was looking for him. And ladies and gentlemen, that’s how it started.
I remember the day, the groom and bride talking,
completely ignoring me waiting at the corner. I spent ages holding my
empty glass- waiting for him to return.
I must have looked really miserable because a girl approached me and asked,
“Would you like another one?
She must be drunk. I mean, why would I want two empty glasses in front of
me?
Traditionally the part of this speech would be full of amusing and
embarrassing stories about the groom to humiliate him, But ladies and gentlemen
we all know that the groom is quite capable of humiliating
himself without any additional help and he’s much better at it than I could
ever hope to be.
Not only that, I have found the groom to be slow and laid
back too, I recall a day at work, he was not all himself- he didn’t say
anything. But later admitted that he was missing the bride.
Give her a ring then, I said
And it took him seven years!!
Talking about time, we currently live in Scotland and for those who
haven’t been to Edinburgh yet, here’s the view from Edinburgh Castle this
morning ( shows a blank white screen on iPad).
I took this, this morning.
So we arrived yesterday, and were running late so we grabbed a taxi and said
“Waterloo mate” The cab driver looked at me and asked “Station?” I said, well I
am a bit late for the battle, aren’t I!!!
Groom, it’s been an honour to get to know you over the last
few years, and I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve found a woman who is kind,
honest, caring, and who deserves nothing but the best husband there is. Luckily
you found her before she had a chance to meet him.
But seriously bride I’ve gotten to know the groom quite
well over the years, and I will say this – you have a husband who is devoted to
you and will never let you down. I’ve seen him at his worst, and I’ve seen him
at his best. But through the years I have never seen him as happy as he is when
he’s with you.
Friends, as a man who will drink to just about anything, it gives me great
pleasure to invite you all to drink to something worthwhile. Please join me in
a toast: The groom and the bride, I know the two of you will be going to
have a long and happy life together. I speak for everyone here when I say I
wish you both the very best. May your love be modern enough to survive the
times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever. To the groom and
the bride.